As the marathon I have been training for creeps closer, now only a few days away, I have become increasingly stressed. I know why this is. It is due to a combination of the death of Mum in February, the four year anniversary of Ruby's death on May 8th and the sudden death of my aunt (Mum's sister) only a few weeks ago. My marathon training over the last three months has been trying and tiring and has been such an immense distraction that few other things have been allowed space to affect me. My stress levels have increased as this potentially immense sporting achievement looms over me as I simultaneously attempt to compartmentalise my sadness.
I think I have been fooling myself into thinking that my training has been a distraction in the way that a social activity might be a distraction if I'm sad. But this isn't sadness, this is grief. And when it comes to grief you have to put the hours in.
Grief won't process itself behind the scenes of a jolly diversion (as sadness can) but will linger and lurk, seeping through any facade that is created to cover it up until you are forced into confrontation. If left untackled grief creates an unstable and crumbling foundation for any future emotional resilience. Future stresses need not be too great to create tremors in our minds, fissures in our psyches. Seeing this written down has made me realise that my diversion tactics- the distractions of marathon training- have not been entirely successful and that my reactions to recent events are yet to affect me. It's in the post. I have a lot of mental work ahead of me. There are specific issues that need to be addressed when my run is over- I need to consider how I am coping with Ruby's anniversary, I need to consider how I feel about my aunt's recent death, I need to consider my Mum's recent death.
Post-marathon I will need to put in place a plan of active consideration and recovery, I will need to do what works. For me this means being entirely honest and open about how I feel, arranging to see close friends for non-alcoholic evenings, good food, good coffee, putting no self-imposed restrictions on crying or expressing fragility, exercising for fun (not as training) and about creating time aside to reminisce Mum, my aunt and Ruby. The essence of my coping plans are rooted in the appreciation of the basics- friendship, love, food, play, the luck I possess and the achievements I have realised. As a good friend accurately opined when I told him I felt like my mind had been shattered after Ruby died, maybe these are the basic building blocks for my mind, for my life, with which I was to rebuild myself.
I have not been through a period of distraction recently but one of avoidance. And post-marathon is the time to turn headlong into the wind. I can handle it, I've seen worse.
