The Pragmatics of Grief

-The tears can flow spontaneously and surprisingly so it is worth having a few quiet spaces, a private nook, to quietly slink off to for a quick blub. Have you adventured into every room and cupboard at work? At home do you cry where you drop or is there a target tear space?

I have evolved a gravitation to two spots at work where I can comfortably be alone for a few minutes during those times the tears are beyond my control. At home I always seem to end up in the same room. Always carry tissues. 

-Your closest friends may not be the ones to contact on every occasion. Someone else might be the most appropriate company at certain times. 

-Learn the signs that things are awry. When my breathing begins to labour or when I shiver on that spot between my shoulder blades I know it is the right moment to be alone. 

-Drop everything. You have to prioritise and if you are not in control it is difficult to look after others (or work on that spreadsheet or cook the dinner or pay for those groceries). You should often be your primary concern. 

-Try something new. There is calm and security in familiar routine but one has to actively consider the new normal. This consideration includes adventuring some into unfamiliar places. 

-Expect unexpected emotions. Be prepared to not want to communicate for days or weeks. Be prepared for unanticipated bouts of disproportionate mediocrity. Be prepared for self-induced pathos. Be prepared for laughter and acute sadness that can occur within seconds and be prepared to get used to it. Be prepared for rage and rejection. Be prepared. 

-Keep busy. Bit obvious this one but being occupied is a great distraction. What's less obvious is that busyness usually involves setting small, achievable goals which has a subconscious side effect of increasing your own feelings of self control and empowerment. 

-Eat regularly. Your appetite might be low and eating small, easily made, regular meals will keep your blood sugar stable which can have a knock-on effect of improving your mood. In addition it is likely you will feel lethargic and, put simply, food equals energy. Also, feelings of stress have been shown to reduce an effective immune system and increase the time it takes to heal wounds. Ingesting decent nutrients can counter this problem. 

-Sleep well and rest well. Stop when you need to, nap when you need to, go to bed early, no screens in the bedroom (they play havoc with your circadian rhythm), don't be afraid of medication if you need it, the room needs to be dark and the right temperature, no caffeine within 6 hours of bedtime, no exercise late at night. 

-Stretch those legs. I cycle and jog enthusiastically and get tearfully cranky if I go three days without exercise. A full cardiovascular workout is not demanded every day but a short, fast walk can work wonders and help you sleep deeper. 

-Do what you normally do. You know your own coping mechanisms when used for previous stressors so consider them and adjust as necessary. 

-Be kind and gentle to yourself. Obviously. And being kind and gentle to others helps too.