Shining light in dark corners

Each day, for days, I have considered whether to write about suicidal thoughts. It has taken a while to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages to publishing my thoughts but the deciding factor was the use a reader might find from a shared experiences. As a mental health worker it would be hypocritical to be dishonest to myself about my thoughts although in no way do I feel compelled to be open about them and I need not be. For what it is worth I have professionally and personally addressed this by now and want to discuss it only with those of my choice- this is a blog not an open invitation for discussion to my nursing governing body, my colleagues, my family or anyone else.

I have been having a low time recently and needed to confront some troubling thoughts so recently scaled Belfasts' highest peak, Cave Hill, to think about things. It was uncharacteristically warm and bright for autumn and the path was steep and shingled. There were many other walkers but on my ascent I was too lost in thought to acknowledge them. 

One side of the absolute peak is a sheer drop for hundreds of feet. I looked down at the faraway rocks beyond the edge, I thought of Ruby and I cried for my loss. And then I looked down again and asked myself the worst question anyone should have to ask themselves. The answer arrived immediately as two thoughts: one was a memory of a refugee client who had been through truly inhumane experiences and had told me that where there is despair there is always hope. The other thought was that there wasn't a tiny, dark, dirty little germ of an idea that wanted me to jump off that ledge and, actually, I wanted to continue to face my grief head-on and say "no, fuck you, I'm in charge". I was genuinely startled by this revelation. 

I took some great photos and walked down the hill at a terrific pace saying hello to every passer-by and exchanged normal chat about the unusual weather and the beautiful view. Then I went for a 10 mile run. 

Rumination and depression may have a self-preserving basis. After two months of particular symptoms- the above thoughts have been orbiting my consciousness and hiding in the shadows of my mind for a while- I realised I am depressed. Now I know this I have been able to confront things head-on and actively consider my next move. Will I need medication, psychotherapy or maybe nothing at all now that I have simply recognised the problem (a common exprience for me- often I just need to maintain an openness with myself and recognise an issue for its pain to dissipate)? These thoughts were a sign of something at greater depth. They were a symptom of a well-known and treatable illness about which exists centuries of research and a huge medical knowledge-base. In the parlance of mental health support I had no serious thoughts of ending my own life, I have no plans, no desires to end anything, there are no risks related to my type of thinking. But those satellite ideas cast shadows here and there and, most importantly, were a warning sign not to be ignored. I wonder what thoughts cross other people's minds that seem so out of place and character they should be considered anathema to their daily well-being? 

I felt compelled to push myself out onto a metaphorical and literal ledge and I confronted some of the most difficult ideas that exist in my psychic space. There are still clouds in my sky but, for now, I know the sun is behind them.