Treatment

I have been taking medication to treat my depression for three weeks and, although there have been some positive changes, it took a week or two for the worst side-effects to wear off. 

I was off work with few responsibilities and so was in a good position to get started in earnest and agreed to get cracking with a fully therapeutic dose (rather than a half-dose as is usual). Initially I was squashed for days and barely had enough energy to get out of bed. The first tablet I took caused me to fall asleep over a restaurant lunch and I daren't drive for days. I don't get thirsty or hungry. I am occasionally dizzy and nauseous. I experienced other side-effects but they were utterly insignificant due to the rapid reduction of the extraordinary and persistent sadness that had dogged me for months. 

Immediately I was less sad. By the second evening I was startled by the realisation that I had dry eyes all day, the first time this had happened for months. By day four I laughed freely and unconsciously with Claire, the first time in months. I was aware how wonderful she is, the first time in months. I was falling in love again. 

It had taken months to realise I was depressed and many more weeks to constructively address it. My reluctance was partly due to my anxiety that medication would depersonalise my outlook and connections to others, that I may become cold and distant. The irony is that I had been disassociated for so long that I was insightless and the medication has actually helped increase my emotional bonds and empathy by clearing some of the fog of sadness. I am warmer, more human. 

It is early days. It will take many more weeks to know for sure if I am on right medication at the right dose. For now, I am content that I have cried with relief because I laughed and I can cry with grief again because I don't constantly cry with sadness. This is enough.