Great Potential in 2015

There are many methods to putting in the psychic energy required to improve outlook and action. This is not to say I need to be optimistic (or, of course, pessimistic) but that I need a realistic approach replete with great potential. My coping mechanisms and the outcomes subsequent to changes in my life have space to become most successful if I consider the potential future change instead of considering the cessation of the past.

There have been recent changes from an achromatic palette to a warmer breadth of colours in my mind so what potential does 2015 hold for me? How will I move forward?

No longer did Ruby die "last year" but instead "about two years ago". I am more comfortable saying "recently" or the specific number of months - most bereaved parents, without missing a beat, can immediately recite the number of weeks, months and years they last saw their child. This lack of "last year", like the loss of "this year" or "in May just gone" initially made me fearful that my connection to Ruby would decrease, that obvious recognition of passing time would pull me away from memories of her. Well, it has done this. Time has faded my mind a little, the relentless distance has dissociated me a little. But it turns out all of that is fine and has been less distressing than I had feared. The advantages of chronological remoteness from Ruby's life have recently outweighed the disadvantages due to the reduction of one narrow, deep, all-pervading destructor- the pain.

My grief is still very real, I still miss Ruby, I am still sad, I mourn for my loss and for hers and there is no closure, I still feel many natural discomforts and aches and yearning. But my pain has lessened. And it is the pain- the tectonic, epic grinding- whose edges are now less jagged. It disables me less, disconnects me less. 

No cost is comparable with the amelioration of pain caused by grief. The pain slices through all softness like a cutthroat razor and crushes like a desert boulder. Any cost I know of its' recess- side-effects of medication, bleaching of memories, separation from Ruby's time alive- is not a penalty but is a sacrifice for a beneficial gain. It has taken time and anxiety and hard work to recognise this but I got there in the end. 

So what potential does 2015 have? The potential for reduction of pain. It also, therefore, has potential for increased autonomy, grater warmth for me and those I know, reduced anxiety and distress, closer relationships and less necessity for courage (I don't ever want to feel the need for courage again). 

Two of the many other things I now know that I did not know before is that failure is a copable option and that it is important to start actions resolving long-term plans and this is why I tentatively started looking at two changes of career. 

Firstly I spent weeks investigating the possibility of becoming a firefighter (I have decided not to but at least I looked). Secondly after many years of baking biscuits, tarts and cakes I have been selling them for the first time ever. Only a handful here and there but, nevertheless, I have been baking professionally. 

Aside from addressing some long-term goals and some improvements in my mental health I have decided to be more adventurous in 2015 so I have strapped on my hiking boots and starting rambling over the local hills through the wind, rain and snow. I am looking forward to scaling greater heights over greater distances and I am looking forward to being with friends on the way.