Trump

Personality disorders (PD) are characterised by intransigent and pervasive traits of the self that are damaging and unwanted. Someone could be violent, lacking in empathy, unable to cope with even the simplest stressors, obsessively self-centred or manipulative. A collection of different traits would culminate in a diagnosis of personality disorder just as a collection of different symptoms culminate in a diagnosis of, say, schizophrenia or diabetes. 

There is increasing evidence that some personality disorders have a genetic base but mostly they form after a childhood involving abuse and neglect. According to the ICD-10, the primary diagnostic tool and listings used by health professionals worldwide, there are around eight commonly identified personality disorders including the most often seen in my line of work- Emotionally Unstable PD (previously "Borderline PD") and Anti-Social PD (previously "Psychopathic PD"). Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of the rarer disorders but still develops from a childhood of inappropriate relationships with parents/careers characterised by unrealistic praise and unrealistic criticism, emotional abuse from unreliable carers (who may see the child as a trophy) and learnt manipulative behaviours. 

Treatment is usually not sought due to the insightlessnes of the typical patient but, when it is, psychotherapy is the preferred choice. It tends to focus on reducing harm to others by concentrating on increasing empathy in the patient, increasing their coping mechanisms and skills of reflection. 

Typical traits of NPD include:

-Exaggerated feelings of self-importance, a sense of grandiosity and extreme vanity

-An excessive need for admiration

-A lack of empathy

-A desire for power

-Manipulation of others

-A fragile sense of self-importance and bringing attention back to themselves when they don't have it, often by being unkind to others

-Distorted self-perception as being more talented, financially and professionally successful, intelligent, etc. than others

-A sense of entitlement and no awareness of their privilege

-Jealousy of others and expectations of jealousy from others

-Petty envy and obliviousness

I attended a rally in Belfast City Hall on Saturday 21st January, the day after Donald Trump's inauguration, in solidarity with women worldwide. It was genial, benevolent and extremely warm. There was love and respects at every turn and a sense of foundational solidarity infused the atmosphere. Womens' rights are human rights. It was a perfect antidote to the manipulative untruths that have been designed by Trump and perpetrated by him and his staff to facilitate the sowing of poisonous seeds. 

Speakers at the rally included Amnesty International, Black Lives Matter, Belfast's LGBT community, feminist groups and other fighters for the rights of marginalised and vulnerable groups and, of course, for women everywhere. 

I felt proud to be there with my wife and my son. Of course I missed Ruby too and wished she could be there. I could talk to her about Trump and about manipulative narcissists, about gender inequality and the amazing women who have laid the ground for her to get the independence she deserves. 

#womensmarch #womensrightsarehumanrights 

Christmas 2016

Christmas can be a quiet trudge for many bereaved people. Another public celebration without your loved one, another year away from them overtly marked beyond your control. But in other ways Christmas is no different from the rest of grief- just another day, time relentlessly out of our control. 

One of the many strange experiences related to grief is the close juxtaposition of alternating emotions and how comfortable these seem together- my Christmas day was no different. For a period in the morning, after the sugar rush of excitement, after Tom opened his presents, after spying an empty stocking with Ruby's name on it, I cried like the aftershock of new grief. It is now three and a half years down the line and too late for me to question why she isn't here anymore, I just know she isn't and it's as simple as that- she isn't here and I miss her, particularly at Christmas. But within hours of those tears and the cut of grief reopening I was chatting, laughing, feeling a part of a family again. 

Like any impending difficulty, survival and thriving involves considerate planning. I knew I had to be together with the people I love (as much as I could, some are in a different country), I had to sleep well, I had to go jogging as much as possible, I had to have no major plans and I had to relinquish control of my time and be somewhat of a slave to my environment (this is something I do more and more- I have found it increasingly comforting to identify those things over which I have little control, or temporarily don't want it, and to let myself flow with others or with the prevailing environment. In no way is it constructive and involves no real consideration of my direction but sometimes that's OK. Sometimes it is lovely to put the world slightly out of focus, to not work, to not make the effort and drift a little, to stare out the window and daydream for a while). 

My coping mechanisms mostly worked. There were sadnesses and laughs, no real stress, no arguements. Close friends came for New Year's Eve. I managed. In fact for someone as unsociable as me I felt proud I had interacted with other people every day and rarely felt overwhelmed (although by New Year's Eve the stimulus was getting to be a little too much. I wanted to hide away for the night but my friends are aware of my occasional social anxiety and are lovely enough to accept me, quiet or otherwise). 

I have been reading some great books, running through the unseasonably bright, dry, warm winter, playing children's games with my son. Simple pleasures. 

I have some plans for 2017:

Run the Belfast marathon in May (start training ASAP)

Maintain a consistent calorie deficit for weight loss

Keep moving

HIT training (boxing and spin bike)

More tenderness, kindness and patience

No alcohol during the working week

Read more

Sleep more

Learn to appreciate fine art

Try pottery and archery

Spend less time on Twitter

Be a better uncle

More jazz

Investigate starting a running/exercise/wellness group

Investigate how to make long-interview podcasts (about mental health, surviving adversity, etc)

Eat seasonally 

This is the view from my Christmas run over Cavehill, Belfast. I twisted my knee minutes after taking this photo but every time it twinges now I smile because, at the time, I was sprinting downhill, in new trainers through the squelchy mud, running with a smile on my face, free like a child. Good memories. And I truly appreciate my good health and ability to run unimpinged.