How to listen.

If a tree falls in a forest and there is no-one to hear it, does it make a sound?

No it does not. For a sound to be made there needs to be a listener. Unless a receiver (such as an ear) is present the changes in air pressure brought about by the movemeant of air molecules cannot be detected, registered and analysed as the stimulus we indentify as sound. If there is no-one, no animal or no electronic device to "hear" it, the falling tree makes no sound. Sounds exists only if there is a listener. 

As a mental health practitioner I am acutely aware of the importance of being a good listener, of listening "well" primarily because of the reason alluded to above. A speaker needs a listener as corroborator of their information and as proof of their presence. Theirs is a mutual relationship where the listener does not simply react to the speaker but is an active participant- the listener is interacting not reacting. As with the falling tree, the speaker makes no sound if there is no receiver to interact with them. My clients', my patients' and my colleagues' views have been authenticated by my actions of listening actively. Their existence, as a spokeperson, has been validated. 

In addition to being a simple receiver of stimuli the skilled listener uses their empathy to increase the bond of reciprocity by psychically placing themselves in the speakers' position. But for greater accuracy of understanding and a hopeful correlative bond the listener tries to imaginatively be the speaker. This is the difference between simple empathy ("what would I feel in their position"), which is the basic level of skilled listening, and a more advanced type of character and problem analysis employing a recognition of others' strengths and weaknesses.

The listener and the speaker have a fluid relationship where information is shared back and forth. The listener is not passive nor the speaker active but they are both equivalent and complementary actors in their interdependence. There is no weight of conversational responsibility on the speaker to lecture the listener nor on the listener themselves to be a dispassionate observer but instead there exists a relationship between speaker, listener, the ebb and flow of the information itself and, finally, the future space for develoments. 

This is synchronicity. And it is indicative of great learning experiences within our shared human community. It is empowering to be such an active participant and we would do well to recognise it as such. 

Someone I Miss, by Ruby's friend

This is an essay that Ruby's close friend, Poppy (13), wrote about her for her English class and agreed to let me put here. It crystallises the closeness of a personal story told through lovely innocent eyes. 

Someone I miss

Someone I miss is my best friend Ruby who died in 2013.

Ruby had dark brown hair that was a pixie cut. Her eyes were bright blue. She had a scar down her chest which she was a little embarrassed about but made her different because of the reason behind it. She was very tall and always teased me about being smaller than her. 

Ruby and I had so many memories together that it would be hard to write them all out, but these are some of my favourites. One of my favourites was sharing the same age for 2 months until she became a year older we had always looked forward to that.

I remember all of the Halloweens, Christmas’s we spent together but our summers together were definitely the best. I remember going on long walks with Ruby and her mum. On Halloween we always went trick or treating and dressed up. One of my favourite memories was when we found out that Ruby was expecting a baby brother we were so excited. I think I could really go on forever about all our memories there’s so many!!

Ruby was like my older sister, always there for me and would back me up with everything. She always helped me with my homework’s and told me to never give up with ballet.

I admire Ruby for her bravery because she would always give everything a go and never gave up. Ruby never cared what anyone thought of her and was always herself around everyone.

Ruby had a really good personality she was kind, funny, smart and creative. If anyone was ever upset she would always do her best to cheer them up.

 

We had always had our ups and downs but were best friends no matter what.

 

 

I miss ruby because of how close we were, when I lost her it was like loosing a brother or sister. There’s not a day where I don’t think about her or miss her. I didn’t really know how to feel when I heard what happened I was scared, confused, worried, sad and shocked. I was scared because I didn’t know what was going to happen.

I also miss ruby because of all the times, memories and fun we had together, I remember going to Barry’s and I was scared to go on the Big Dipper but she said it’ll be ok so I went on it and I was really nervous but Ruby said just hold my hand it’ll be so much fun, I ended up having a great time and wasn’t scared again, she helped me through so much.

I’ll never forget any of the times we had together.

The last time we had together was really good, Claire, Ruby’s mum was taking us into town to get the rest of the stuff Ruby needed for her school trip and to get us lunch. We had a sleepover the night before and I remember it being one of the funniest nights ever. We had made pancakes that morning and made faces with them. In town there was a festival on and we spent hours watching the funny acts, our favourite was the ones with fire.

I remember driving home that evening blasting the music and singing at the top of our voices.

I never would have even tried to imagine that being our last car ride, day or time together I was forever expecting her home in 5 days’ time telling me all about her school trip to Scotland, she had been so excited about going and I couldn’t believe what had happened.

 

 

I was so lucky to have had her as my best friend, really lucky to have known her, been so close with her and having her in my life.

I’ll never forget her and I think of her every day. This is why I miss Ruby.

 

By Poppy 9P

An unedited slightly drunk poem about Ruby

I Cant Cook Pancakes Anymore

She used to hold my hand (I pretended I was in charge)

My rock climber,

Her forehead was rough from chicken pox

My sweet-cheeks.

She is a permanent part of me, 

My tattoo love.

I never let her fall, 

My babe in arms.

What an unatural progress,

My gorgeous weirdo.

She was an apology for life's failings, 

My beautiful distraction.

The universe should have taken me first, 

My red giant.

No more singing and dancing

My darlin', my lass.

And no rudder in the epic stillness,

My guiding star.

No longitude, no latitude, 

My micrometer, my compass,

No pressure relief,

My barometer

She pointed me home, 

My Polaris.

I dream of her running and turning her head to me,

My reverie,

I dream of her smiling my way,

My south facing window.

I am missing an ingredient

My sous chef,

So I cook nothing with eggs,

My egg cracker. 

Brief moments of happiness this week

-Being entirely distracted by a tiny bird with one leg hoping and zig-zagging across the busy city pavement.

-The good ache after a long run

-Cycling downwind 

-Claire's half-asleep eyes in the morning

-Really great coffee

-Time to do nothing

-A successful presentation to people more skilled and trained than me

-A new recipe for vegetarian paella

-Making a beautiful working bicycle 

-Nuzzling the cats

-A friends' hand on my forearm when I cried

-Claire's hand on my knee when I'm driving

-Gutteral laughs at a stupid, uncynical just-plain-damn-funny joke

-My morning commute on the bike with good weather, a perfect path and beautiful scenery

-Lego with Tom

-A warm hug from a male friend that isn't insecurely tight (and no slapped backs)

-Homemade buns from conception to eating in 25 minutes

-Others' empathy

-A perfectly written rom com 

-Tardigrades 

-Receiving a telephone service from someone I can hear smiling

-The scientific miracle of modern medication (this week paracetamol, antibiotics, antidepressants and ibuprofen due to a nasty bug)

-Proper gin