Anger

Feelings of anger can be very common and I have experienced acute attacks of almost murderous rage, thankfully rarely. In fact, after the first four months of numbness after Ruby’s death (a washed-out, almost inhuman period- it was the hottest summer for many years and all I remember was a blue sky, green grass and a hot sun although all colours were bleached and lifeless) one of the first true emotions I felt was, at times, anger. It was misplaced and inappropriate but it was an emotion nevertheless and I felt more alive for it. I expressed no physical aggression and never have and I was honest to those I could talk to that I was angry. I am lucky that I am not an “angry person” (whatever that really means) and I pride myself, particularly at work in mental health, that I am calm under pressure and reflect and act in difficult situations instead of reacting to provocation. I was aware even then that such strong negative thoughts would decrease over time and that anger, if controlled, can sometimes be an energetic driving force. It may come in useful for future battles and I didn’t want to dismiss it as meaningless or dangerous. 

The Stoic philosophers have some of the best thoughts about coping with adversity. My understanding of their ideas (having never studied philosophy but having since read a few recommended books) has been a great comfort since Ruby died- I am not (primarily) grieving for her but for me, for my sadness and my loss. She is as unalive now as before she was born but I am still here. In time I will eventually have control and mastery over my sadness and emotions because they are mine and are about me. It takes hard work and plenty of time but I WILL have mastery over this. I realised many months ago that I will also, therefore, have mastery over anger. And I have.