Art as saviour

In previous posts I have written about the importance of connections between people via the identification of shared experiences and the rewards from successful endeavour. Appreciation of art can do all this. 

Before Ruby died 19 months ago I would get frustrated at art that tried too hard to force me to think. I would rapidly dismiss anything I considered wasteful of my time- novels were abandoned half read, paintings glanced at, photographs were either pretty or interesting or, if neither, a waste of ink- and didn't appreciate the artistic skill in creating an aesthetic inquiry. But I think I understand this now. 

I now appreciate how art can connect me to others and can gently force an unconscious empathy. I understand how it feels to have a blank canvas and be forced into considering what I am to make of it. I have had to work, sometimes exhaustively, at creating a future picture of my own, setting a scene within which I may find solace and calm. I have had to shape my own landscape- hills that roll just so, rivers that flow slow and deep, variations of boulder, shingle and trail paths- as an artist creates theirs. It is unimportant whether they and I have had similar experiences that have shaped our creations, the point is that they have consciously designed and brought into existence a previously non-thing. They will have had to reflect on their weaknesses, jealousies, desire, rage and all other beautiful and ugly qualities that make them who they are and how this will impede and instruct their landscape. 

Art that is worthwhile forces considerations and it arouses my curiosity rather than quenches it. Good art, as the maxim goes, poses more questions than answers and there are great rewards from the exertion involved in deeper analysis.

I have been moved to tears more than ever before by the poetry I have read and the art I have seen over the last year and a half. Instead of dismissing some art as superfluous and trite, as I have done in the past, art and aesthetics have been a saviour. 

Recent aesthetic appreciation:

War poetry. 

The availability of plentiful aluminium to craft bicycle frames. 

An intuitive and very pretty computer operating system running on an equally pretty laptop makes it a joy to touch and look at. 

A metal corner of a shelf. It took thousands of years to learn how to efficiently extract, smelt and craft that stainless steel into a perfect right-angled corner piece, a shape and material unlike anything seen in nature. 

My mass-produced, bent wood Ikea armchair. It is perfectly utilitarian, millions have been produced and it cost pennies.

Rothko. 

Hiking boots and weatherproof jacket. 

Staedtler pencils. 

Bell whisks. 

Philip Glass piano etudes. 

Drain covers. 

Plywood.

People writing Rubys name in Xmas cards. 

The International Space Station. 

Empathy

It is our connections to others and a recognition of sameness that encourage cohesion in our human community and this can be achieved with warmth and empathy. Here are some tips learnt through my work in mental health:

 1. Imagine how the other person feels. This sounds obvious but is rarely practised. It can be distressing to create a mental picture of the psychic pain and upset someone else may be going through but your imagined sadness is organised and controlled by you and it won't be destructive to your emotional state. How, do you imagine, might it feel for you if a close relative, a friend or a lover dies? How, do you imagine, does it for feel if they suddenly disappear and you can never, ever see them again? Consider this. Weigh it up. Cry, be upset and sad, be affected by it, you can handle it. The humanist proximity and the connections you will have created in the relationship with this person you are talking to will have been worth the emotional investment.

2. Use your personal experiences to place yourself in their position. Everyone will have been through sadness, jealousy and anger and you know, at least to some extent, how these emotions may feel within someone else. The key is extrapolation.  

3. Don't sympathise. Expressing sympathy means making an emotional reaction to a communicated problem and, although it has its place, it can be a liability by clouding judgements. A natural expression of sympathy can provoke an immediate attachment to someone but it is short-lived and shallow. 

4. Be warm and genuine. It is obvious if you don't care.

Shining light in dark corners

Each day, for days, I have considered whether to write about suicidal thoughts. It has taken a while to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages to publishing my thoughts but the deciding factor was the use a reader might find from a shared experiences. As a mental health worker it would be hypocritical to be dishonest to myself about my thoughts although in no way do I feel compelled to be open about them and I need not be. For what it is worth I have professionally and personally addressed this by now and want to discuss it only with those of my choice- this is a blog not an open invitation for discussion to my nursing governing body, my colleagues, my family or anyone else.

I have been having a low time recently and needed to confront some troubling thoughts so recently scaled Belfasts' highest peak, Cave Hill, to think about things. It was uncharacteristically warm and bright for autumn and the path was steep and shingled. There were many other walkers but on my ascent I was too lost in thought to acknowledge them. 

One side of the absolute peak is a sheer drop for hundreds of feet. I looked down at the faraway rocks beyond the edge, I thought of Ruby and I cried for my loss. And then I looked down again and asked myself the worst question anyone should have to ask themselves. The answer arrived immediately as two thoughts: one was a memory of a refugee client who had been through truly inhumane experiences and had told me that where there is despair there is always hope. The other thought was that there wasn't a tiny, dark, dirty little germ of an idea that wanted me to jump off that ledge and, actually, I wanted to continue to face my grief head-on and say "no, fuck you, I'm in charge". I was genuinely startled by this revelation. 

I took some great photos and walked down the hill at a terrific pace saying hello to every passer-by and exchanged normal chat about the unusual weather and the beautiful view. Then I went for a 10 mile run. 

Rumination and depression may have a self-preserving basis. After two months of particular symptoms- the above thoughts have been orbiting my consciousness and hiding in the shadows of my mind for a while- I realised I am depressed. Now I know this I have been able to confront things head-on and actively consider my next move. Will I need medication, psychotherapy or maybe nothing at all now that I have simply recognised the problem (a common exprience for me- often I just need to maintain an openness with myself and recognise an issue for its pain to dissipate)? These thoughts were a sign of something at greater depth. They were a symptom of a well-known and treatable illness about which exists centuries of research and a huge medical knowledge-base. In the parlance of mental health support I had no serious thoughts of ending my own life, I have no plans, no desires to end anything, there are no risks related to my type of thinking. But those satellite ideas cast shadows here and there and, most importantly, were a warning sign not to be ignored. I wonder what thoughts cross other people's minds that seem so out of place and character they should be considered anathema to their daily well-being? 

I felt compelled to push myself out onto a metaphorical and literal ledge and I confronted some of the most difficult ideas that exist in my psychic space. There are still clouds in my sky but, for now, I know the sun is behind them.