Inseparable love and grief

The unique and exquisite pain of grief for my daughter cannot be separated from the purity of my parental love for her. I think of Ruby and my body warms with the same deep satisfaction that a parent gets from feeding their offspring- a prehistoric, hard-wired, genetically embedded reminder of supporting the survival of my genes (after all, this is what Darwin really meant by "survival of the fittest"- survival of the fittest genes). I think of Ruby and I know the tightly coiled DNA double helix inside the nucleus of every cell in my body is unflinchingly and without fuss programmed to assist with performing the single most basic function any parents must do- to care for my children. 

There is no other reason, if there are any reasons, to exist. My heart, my soul, clarifies the bare facts- what else is life? What else am I for if not to protect my offspring? Why am I, if not for them? 

And assimilated into this learnt benevolence like foundational rock strata of alternating textures is my grief. Sometimes it is sharp and piercing like a glass shard, sometimes it grinds like a huge boulder slowly rolling over wet cement, sometimes it dully thuds like a vertical rock slab falling over onto mud. My grief is always there stratified with the sheer joy of remembrance. 

I can't recall any memory of Ruby without knowing she isn't there and I can't look into my grief without recalling memories of her. 

I will always carry her life in me. I will always be cut through by her death. I will always have her voice in my ears. I will always have her absence. Always I will know her hair against my cheek. Always I will know I won't feel her hair on my cheek. 

Always there will be abstract reminders- the scuff on a strangers' shoe, the curve of a colleagues' shoulder, the "daddy" shouted outside my office window, my sons' laugh-  that will never ever go away. I will always have to have awareness of my loss but also awareness that I once knew Ruby. 

Fleetingly, for only eleven beautiful and joyous years I was the luckiest father in the world- I was allowed the privilege of being Ruby' dad. I wasn't just allowed to know her-  a prize to be celebrated for life- I was actually related to her. This is a triumph over any loss.