1463 days without Ruby

Ruby died four years ago today. That's 1463 days since I last saw her- four years including a leap year plus two days away on that school trip in Scotland. 1463 separate days to think about her. 

Some of those thoughts lasted 24 hours to the absolute exclusion of everything's else- food, water, air (so it felt). On busier days some of those thoughts were only minutes long- I appreciated being distracted enough to continue normal daily life, at times, and at other times I wept with the guilt at only thinking about Ruby once, briefly, that entire day. 

Sometimes Ruby has stomped into my mind without an offer and my legs were unable to remain straight, I dropped to the floor paralysed with the pain of immensity (being overwhelmed is an extraordinary experience- knowing an absolute absence of self-control because of disabling grief is humbling and potentially dehumanising. In time though, ironically, grief became a humanising force that galvanised my closeness to others and made me me feel somehow more human than I was). At other times, thoughts of Ruby have been barely perceptible but I have been content knowing she is always at the corner of my mind, linked to the grief that colours me, never too far away. 

Sometimes I have wanted to join her. At other times I cry with the joy and good fortune that I am in love with my wife and son so much that I can live and cope and carry on. 

Sometimes I feel like the sun is dying. At other times my heart aches with love remembering the times I discussed photosynthesis with Ruby, the importance of bees or how to navigate using the stars. 

1463 days is a long time to not see your child. I remain without her.