Why I run

Some things have instrumental value whereby we perceive it in terms of its usefulness such as running being healthy or helping us to get thinner, medicine making us well and of food being fuel. 

But some things have an intrinsic value whereby their value is in and of itself and not defined by its use.  We rarely recognise many things of intrinsic value and are therefore inexperienced at identifying so many obvious sources of pleasure right in front of us. 

I run, as I travel in life, alone. Well I am not truly alone in life of course, I have Claire and Tom and friends and family. But I usually feel alone (as distinct from "lonely") and have a tendency to rely on my own perceived prescience, ideology and route to arrive at conclusions and goals. This is not to say I am disconnected from the influence of others, far from it- in immodest moments I pride myself on my empathy and listening skills- but even though I am the person I have become because of my love for Claire, Tom and Ruby and their love for me, I am, in essence, solitary. We all are in the end. 

I run, as I travel in life, alone. I have never run with anyone else and I don't want to. I move at my own speed, under my own power towards my own chosen goal down my chosen path. If I wish. And if I don't wish it then I don't. I don't know what my personal bests are. I don't know my fastest times over a run or over a mile or up a hill or compared to any other runner. I don't know my average pace. All I count is my distance and, even then, I don't really care too much as long as I am running. I have never run in a race. Never done an organised marathon or half marathon or 10k. Never done a "fun run". I have never run "for charity". I just run for me and for the sake of running. 

My only company is my music which has only an instrumental value in assisting me push one foot in front of the other. I pass other runners and we nod almost imperceptibly. When I am "in" the run, not just running, not warming up or cooling down, not the last few hardest miles but when I am in the run my mind is free. This is how I know I am in my run- when my mind is free to wander as with my body. My body in the run feels loose and warm, full of potential, and capable of climbing mountains. It is not travelling from A to B. It has no goal except to move, to be in transit, and it could go on forever. In that moment, however brief, my mind is free too. And when I wander I also wonder. In that moment I think I can be happy. Running frees me from the illusion of what is important. It frees me from the pretence of what is essential.

I am hardwired to run as are we all. I need nothing to run, not really even shoes, no wheels, no tools, no fuel outside my own stores. There is nothing propelling me apart from my own muscles. I love the brutal honesty about that- I cannot coast, I cannot change gear (that is walking), nothing else will push me along- I either run or I stop. And that's that. 

Solitary running allows me the space to settle into my own very personal rhythm. Through the effort I put in I earn my right to this. Running with others, as with walking together, forces me to change my pace, my rhythm, my mind to an unatural state of unwanted connection; an attached "elsewhereness" in place of the desired liberation. 

These moments of free thought provide the only true meditative times in my life. I cannot make a prior commitment to myself to use that time to work through a problem or weigh up an issue worth consideration. I cannot "empty my mind" as traditional meditation would have me do and I wouldn't want to do this anyway- I don't want to be bereft of thoughts because there are too many interesting and important ideas in need of my respects. When I am in my run I free my mind as with gentle dreaming, I give it permission to let it roam its own course, meandering and drifting. 

Every blog entry I have written was germinated on a run. And when I return and I calm and I cool and I refuel I can then start the process of focusing the initial thoughts into a coherent idea and thereafter understandable prose. Many ideas don't make it of course but the point is that few worthwhile ideas come from thoughts borne outside a run. If my body moves my mind moves. 

My grandfather, an enthusiastic trout fisherman, was not one for conversation but he told me when I was very young that still waters can turn poisonous and the healthiest fish are spawned in the fastest flows. He wasn't wrong.