Mary

My friend and colleague Mary died last week. She had been unwell with cancer for some months but was very tough and very resilient. She remained unangry and full of love until the very end, wishing only beauty and kindness for everyone she knew and also for those she didn't. She was an atheist in a foxhole, free from self-appointed courage, lacking in uncouth stoicism and utterly honest. She was 59. She didn't drink alcohol, didn't smoke, took no drugs, didn't eat meat, she ran, climbed mountains, lived outdoors, hiked hills and lived as healthy a life as anyone could. Only weeks before she died she asked "why me for Christs sake?" and then she answered her own question "I suppose the answer is banal- why not me? Cancer does not discriminate". 

She was a social worker for decades. In that time she had helped vulnerable children at risk from abusive adults, homeless drug and alcohol addicts, people with severe mental health issues and physical disabilities in need of assistance, ex-offenders who, although were among the most reviled members of society, she treated with a great level of regard and as having unquestionably redemptive qualities. She helped young people cope with the stress of unexpected parenthood, she helped refugees settle into their new, unfamiliar country, she helped the most scared and frightened women who had the courage to leave violent men. She was an advocate for those without a voice, a hand to hold for those weakened by fear, a crutch for those crippled by illness. She was the only worker I have ever had the fortune to watch in action who had maintained the supposedly unacheivable goal of counsellors and support workers- that is, unconditional positive regard. Along with empathy, warmth, genuineness and a few other qualities, positive regard is seen as an unacheivable goal to be constantly aimed towards, without condition. It is near impossible- we are all prejudiced and we set conditions for all relationships, professional or otherwise. But Mary was the one worker who got the closest to this ideal- she only ever saw the potential of clients and the unfortunate reasons they ended up in need of assistance, never dwelling their lack of love or appropriate behaviour. When we discussed the kind of help we might offer someone who had done the most violent, awful things to other people, to young children maybe, she would say "The things he has been through would have to be so traumatic to have made him this way". 

Mary reminded me how far you can go with love, with respect, with tenderness, and how well other people respond to it. She once told me that to facilitate other people's level of trust you had to trust them and let them trust you. She was so charismatic, without being overbearing, anyone who had met her would remember her forever. 

She would have helped thousands of people over the years. Some of them would have been very young, would have children and maybe grandchildren by now. All those initial contacts by Mary would have helped them and then their friends, then their relatives, their neighbours, their community. Also their relationships, their autonomy, their self-determination would have positively affected. Thousands of lives have been transformed by Mary's intervention. 

She will receive no accolade, no prize, no recognition. No MBE for her (although this is also impossible as she was a republican and staunch anti-monarchist). As the poem below states "everywhere life is full of heroism". Mary is the epitome of the everyday hero without whom society could not function. It is likely I will think of her every day of my life. 

Her funeral was yesterday and she had asked me to recite this poem which I was honoured to do.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

by Max Ehrmann (1872-1945)

Mary Ozanne 1957-2016